If you’re open to them, consider trying psychedelics. They’re not a panacea, but they really get at the heart of the kinds of things you’re dealing with, in my experience.

Hi! I’m in my forties too, with unmedicated ADHD.

I’m not sure who I am if I relax. I’ve never done it. I’m just like this all the time—reserved and restrained all the time.

Same boat friend. I can’t hold a job for longer than a few years and I live in an area where there are very few options so my resume is a disaster. Once I’m in a place for too long people start to notice my quirks. At first it’s funny and cute, but then it gets difficult and people turn on me. Misunderstandings build and compound. Some people even see my imperceptiveness as a weakness for them to exploit.

But there is one job that I am trying to pursue again. It involves travel, working remotely, seeing new places all the time, and meeting new people for a few days at most. For me it was electrical inspection and investigation. What this means is my mask only needs to be worn for a little bit at a time. Even if someone notices my quirks, it’s received as charming and then I’m gone forever. My coworkers are too busy doing the same to really care, and I only see them once a year at best.

The pay was shit so I left but now it’s worth the hit. This last year has been devastating for me:

• fired over a misunderstanding days after picking up a new car that:

• I can no longer afford,
• everyone told me was a bad idea,
• and days before it would be discontinued,

• took a job that destroys my soul but can’t afford to leave,
• mixed up meds and ended up in hospital
• was involved in a wreck that I may have caused by inattentiveness and ended up arrested and back in hospital,
• diagnosed with functional neurological disorder with nearly uncontrolled essential tremor,
• couldn’t afford healthcare so I stopped being treated for CPTSD, anxiety, and SI,
• and the VA just put me on a “watchlist” - a nurse told me that I exhibit every red flag of a veteran at risk of harming themselves. Cool cool cool.

And all of this during the dumbest time in human history. Economy is trash, job market is a veritable dumpster fire, Odyssey was so loud I had to walk out holding my ears because my loops did nothing, and every day I just go home and sit under the kitchen table with my toddler and cry. He holds my face and sings a song he made up for me, “it’s o-kaaay, it’s o-kaaaaay, it’s o-kaaay, it’s o-KAAAAAY”. That song is my tether to sanity.

Burnout baby. My routine was my foundation for life and it’s gone. I don’t even pretend to have a long term mask anymore. I don’t engage with anyone. When I’m at work, I treat my interactions as if I didn’t exist after COB and had no personal opinions. I keep asking short questions that demand a lengthy response and let people crumble under the weight of them listening to themselves carry the entire conversation. But it never comes back on me and I’m such a blank slate that I have no personality at all.

I think I get it. I have no solutions. But I’ll sit under your kitchen table and cry with you if it helps. I’ll even sing you the song. It really does help.

Oh, and neurodiverse people don’t hear this enough, but you are important and you are loved. Even when we don’t feel it.

I wrote paragraphs of my experience and realized the best advice I can give after going through it myself is, stop being afraid of being yourself and most importantly speak to a medical professional for help on ADHD burnout.

As far as the real you, for me I found he wasn’t mad, he was sad. And was tired of being treated like a monster for opening my eyes to the burnout I felt starting at 20. He simply was trying to protect me and I used him like an old dirty mattress at a porn shoot. Forgive yourself and try making recompense and start working together for balance, meaning stand up for yourself more.

That’s less about ADHD than trauma, though the first often begets the other. I’m on the same boat. A trauma focused therapist has helped me.

Forgiving myself, allowing myself to suck at something, to not be perfect, were my starting points. I haven’t got to know myself yet, but some of me seems to be shining through the cracks I’m growing on my masks.

The feeling of a wasted life is a recurring one. A whole lot of could have beens. I’m suppose to mourn it and let go instead of lamenting it. I’m not there yet.

I do recommend you find a good therapist. Professional help is a must. Good luck.

I’m 30 now. I got diagnosed at 28. Burned-out at 22 or so.

Grew up in a fairly authoritarian house where large areas of personal expression were disallowed / unacceptable and others were or felt restricted through more or less RSD conflicting with emotionally immature family.

I learned to play an acceptable act and abandoned many parts of myself without even really being aware that I was. Not only that, but as my ADHD symptoms manifested more as I grew up, it also turned me from other “acceptable” things I loved. I realize this is different than your experience of never coming to know yourself.

But the point I want to make is that, in my opinion, ADHD and masking erase much of what we were, and stunt where we are in many ways. And I think there’s 3 main areas to focus toward in undoing that damage.

Even though I’m 30 I’m more or less in the position of an early 20’s person in many ways. So I try to allow myself the things a 20-something would be doing.

Try new activities, step outside your comfort zone, form new friends groups. You won’t simply discover who you are if you do not subject yourself to a range of experiences and continue those you find bring you some inner understanding, peace, or positive emotion.

For me, a man largely raised by women but in a family where men exhibiting femininity was judged, a large part has been accepting and expressing my femininity.

I paint my nails loud obnoxious shiny colors now. Could barely have imagined doing black a few years ago, literally had to be coaxed into it. Now in a complete 180, I love dressing up and picking/wearing glasses and jewelry and I know what colors and fits of clothes look good on me, etc.

Second, I accept and listen to my ADHD with compassion rather than try to exert willpower to fight it constantly. I do what I/it actually need now and accept that though it makes me struggle in other ways it’s worth it.

I work again, but only 25 hours a week and I still call out when I need to, which is more than most would. I don’t hold my incapacities against myself anymore but instead do my best to accomodate them. I focus on what is making doing things hard and try to eliminate as many obstacles as possible. Cut down on the number of things I need to commute to and from work every day is a big one for me as an example.

And a third aspect encapsulating all of this imo is pursuing medical treatment. I did a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy work with professionals and alone during my several years of burnt-out, still before I had any idea I had ADHD, working toward a better mental landscape.

Learning to trust myself, learning to treat myself with kindness and compassion, learning how to nurture myself. Focusing on learning mindfulness and improving my executive function. It’s hard to find yourself if you’re wading through a lot of negative emotion and past experience.

I also found the meds to be incredibly effective once I did get a suspicion and seek/get diagnosis. Through therapy, I’d been able to learn to keep up on house tasks and errands and personal upkeep and whatever like a teen. I was barely keeping up, but I was doing it. When I got on the meds, I suddenly could do all that with way more consistency and less effort, but could also feel like I was able to work part-time while doing so.

Wishing you better times and much growth in self-knowledge and contentedness. 💜

TL;DR:

Pursue cognitive behavioral therapy, and ADHD meds. Try new things and meet new people. Push your comfort zone. Treat and listen to yourself/your needs with nurturing and compassionate understanding and accommodation.

I’ve unfortunately learned that continued masking is the price we have to pay for our existence in this society. The few times I let up I paid dearly (broke down at work due to years of accumulating stress - fired. Broke down at home because of the former - almost lost my relationship. Etc.).

I’m no longer willing to jeopardize my already bleak future with it.

I am kinda glad, I had a mindset shift at like 17 to just live to entertain myself and after that I found some neurodivergent folks at my school at the time and had the time of my life. Before that were some major depressions and social circles that didn’t enjoy my presence (and I didn’t enjoy theirs too!). It makes a huge difference if there are people near you who do vocal stimming with you lmao

Introspective thought. When it’s the case of doing something, think of the reasons why you’re doing or not doing them. And when it’s because of your own choice, think of why you make that choice.

Start with some therapy and go from there