I’m trying to retake the medication that I took back in high school (Concerta) so I can study for and eventually take the Comptia A+ exam. The idea being that I’ve a decently-paying remote job that will benefit both my wife and I. My wife, however, refuses to let me get my meds. This isn’t the first we’ve had this conversion and every time she says the same thing: “You just need to focus naturally”, “It’s all in your head”, “Doctors are only in it for themselves” and so on. There’s no getting through to her and I’m tired of trying to get to reason with me. I think I’m going to get my meds in secret and hide them. I know that this is a bad idea but she leaves me no choice. Any advice?
“You just need to focus naturally”, “It’s all in your head”, “Doctors are only in it for themselves”
What if you struggled to see? Would she try to talk you out of glasses?
I’m sorry that you are in this position. She shouldn’t be controlling you like this. I’d recommend doing some level of couples counseling, this isn’t really an issue with your medication but your right to control your own body and life.
Advice? Couples counseling. If that doesn’t work, divorce. Your health should not be under scrutiny from someone who thinks it’s “all in your head.” This is one of those molehills that will become an insurmountable mountain.
I read the title and thought about some of the side effects and that’s valid (irritability, tiredness when it wears off, sexual dysfunction). But your comments show she doesn’t understand that it’s not a willpower thing, it’s a chemicals in your brain thing and no amount of willpower will change that - and in fact that kind of talk is actively harmful. There’s absolutely a lot that can be done with mindset etc. but the drugs are a tool that enables the coping strategies and mindset work! Otherwise it’s doomed to frustration and failure.
With that in mind - to be blunt - she needs to learn more about ADHD in order for the relationship to be healthy.
I have a friend who was in similar situation.
Your wife does not decide if you need medicine or not. Doctors do. I don’t know if you should take your meds in secret or right in front of her, you should do whatever you think is best for you in this situation, but you need to be taking your meds.
What helped me convince some people that ADHD is not a made up problem was the pictures on Wikipedia’s ADHD entry (in Polish) showing some difference on PET scans of regular person brain and ADHD brain. Showing people that and saying there’s literally a difference in a brain you can actually see made them think twice
I would suggest couples counseling with a therapist that has experience with ADHD clients.
THIS! This would be the most healthy and constructive way about addressing this if a simple conversation is not possible.
Just going together to the doctor that knows their medical history and can explain it to her might be good already.
As someone not part of the ADHD community and just stopping by from browsing, I gotta say: your health is your right. The only reason your wife should have any say in something like this is if it has in the past it put her in danger or caused significant issues with your marriage like: “well, last time you took your meds you had awful mood swings that were hard for me to understand and deal with”, or “last time you took your meds you almost got fired, putting our financial safety at risk”, etc. etc. If there is no history of something like this deeply affecting her, than your health is your right and you should get your meds if you and your doctor feel it would help.
You do not want to be in a relationship where you have to hide things. Trust me. Take your meds. Your wife can get on board with it, or not. Her choice.
My wife was always fine with me taking meds but we had some fierce arguments about the fact that our oldest child also has ADHD. She just didn’t want to accept it for some reason. Right up until said child started expressing suicidal thoughts. At that point, all I could say was, “Look, we can either let her keep going down the same path I went down at that age or we can get her the help she needs.” Wife got on board pretty quickly after that.
I get not understanding what’s it like to have ADHD. That’s fair. But to basically trash a major part of your lived experience because they themselves haven’t lived takes some incredible arrogance.
“This is my health and I’m going to speak about this with a doctor. I love you and appreciate your perspective, but this is my decision to make. If any changes as a result of this impact you, we can discuss them, but I’ve made my decision and I expect you to respect it the same as I respect the decisions you make about your health.”
The fact that she thinks she gets to decide what medications you get to take is nuts to me. This is a boundary it’s very worth building and maintaining. If side effects impact her then you can negotiate, but it’s your body. You have the autonomy to decide what happens to it. She’s just a trusted advisor on the matter of your body.
You are being abused. Get your meds.
First of all, fuck her. Not in the nice way. She has clearly shown she is not your partner but an active enemy. If she does this to your face, just imagine what she is capable of behind your back. No counseling will help. This is basic human decency, which she clearly lacks. Don’t give her the chance to harm you even worse. Run.
Hey, OP here. Thank you all for your advice. Many of you give great advice that I will take into consideration. I decided to make this single comment to address everyone rather than respond individually to comments. Despite what my original post might insinuate, my wife isn’t a terrible person. She’s a very wonderful and sweet person. We have a great relationship the vast majority of the time. It’s just that the topic of my ADHD meds is a sticking point. Much of this is informed by her religious background and worldview in addition to her experiences of childhood lupus and the baggage that it came with.
With that said, I’m going to take action over my own health, as many of you have said. I’m going to take my meds again. I want to change my life for the better and she’s going to have to respect it. Once she realizes that it’s going to help me get my life back together (and, by extension, improve our lives together), she might come to terms with my neurodivergent condition.
Thank you all, once again, for the advice and any new advice that might come after I post this comment!
Two points I hope help you:
My personal belief is not the same as your wife but similar: As a long time ADHD adult, I’ve come to believe ADHD is a societal problem not a mental illness. It is a version of humaness. This is my experience and I don’t expect others to accept it. But, there is a psychological concept that if you remove societal pressure to “be” a certain way, and you are allowed to be you and the suffering is alleviated, its not mental illness.
That being said, you are a grown adult who is allowed to decide what you need. Your wife is being borderline abusive if she is using those actual words and threatening consequences. If you believe this is your best option, put your foot down, thank her for her opinion and say you’re doing what’s best for you and ultimately it is your own choice. Be prepared to be met with threatened consequences if that’s a thing, and try to have the courage to say something like “Threatening me is not acceptable, and I’d like you to work on that issue. If you are unwilling to try and see things differently and this is not something you can live with, let’s talk in a healthy way.”
Another small note: I wouldn’t even bring up that you’re trying to improve her life. You have the right to improve your own life and experience and that’s enough. Including her in that opens the door for her to say “I don’t want you to do that for me.” which is not relevant in this case as long as there has been no history of side effects of the meds causing problems for those around you.
Not going to comment on the meds, but if you are just taking A+ in hopes it will help get jobs, I’m not sure it’s the best time spent. I’ve been in IT for over a decade, and no one ever cares about A+ cents. Some of the worst techs I’ve interviewed have had A+, and some of the best did not.
If you focus more of building random projects, setup a homelab for example, I think you’ll gain a lot more real world knowledge which goes a long way in interviews.
I’d say do both. Get the cert, but do cool shit in your spare time.
Not in IT, but I’m convinced ive been hired many times because I do a lot of interesting stuff people find useful, like repair cars (simple maintenance to full on engine rebuilds and some body work), read a lot of books, recording and mixing music, repairing electronics etc. It shows them right off that I’m a problem solver who is agile, which is what they really want.
Are any of the other certs better, like the Sec+?
Honestly not really, having them might help you get an interview, but if there is a more knowledgeable candidate that doesn’t have any certs at all, it’s likely they will still be chosen.
The best thing you can do is just be curious. Do you like networking? Setup some vlans at home and truly try to understand how they work. Don’t just memorize the steps you need to set one up.
More interested in server admin? Setup Proxmox on an old laptop, host a simple website on it. Figure out how reverse proxies work, and what they are used for.
There’s essentially endless paths you can take, just find something you think is cool and learn a ton about it. Interviewers can easily tell if you are passionate and knowledgeable, and those trump any certs 99% of the time.
Getting back on my meds is what helped me get back into college and get a degree. I am angry for you that you are being treated this way.
Don’t take the drugs, spiral into unhealthy and dangerous habits, she leaves you, profit! (And then take the meds)
Just gotta smoke a bunch of cigarettes use some artisinal locally sourced desoxyn.
