EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!
DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that’s more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he’s who we’ve got. I’m just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.
What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?
For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?
In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he’s famously apolitical, so it’s hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)
…but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.
And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he’s been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don’t think he could handle Larry Bird’s level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.
I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.
Also, at 67 Bird’s a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.
So, I’m hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.
What’s your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.
Leslie knope
Go all in on milking generational divide and do like a Taylor Swift / Kendrick Lamar ticket. I definitely think either of them could do a better job at being president than our current batch of options.
A Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg ticket would be interesting. I kinda want to see Snoop in the debate though so maybe a Snoop Dogg/Martha Stewart ticket.
If you want to guarantee a win though Oprah is the answer. Just to maximize Trump’s rage I say we need Oprah/RuPaul 2024.
Martha would throw biting sarcasm at him until he cried, and Snoop would just laugh his ass off. It would be wonderful.
I was actually thinking about something similar today. We’ve already had an actor as president, then with Trump, we had a reality-TV star. Social media is the new “TV” for the younger generation, so it’s only a matter of time before we have an influencer or a YouTube creator as a candidate, right? Let’s see MrBeast go toe-to-toe with Trump.
Not even kidding, Mr.Beast would topple Trump way easy in elections; While he certainly is the type of person that knows to communicate with millions of people, I doubt he’s a person that wants to be president. Making crazy internet content and leading a country are two different things after all.
“I’m giving 10 people one million dollars if the can pass House Appropriations Bill 5031.662.7H!”
I found a guy on linkedin that has the same name, just slot him in and pretend nothing happened, wouldn’t even have to change any of the campaign marketing. Dude looks to be in his 20s and manages a coffee place, definitely more than qualified.
Vermin Supreme, because every American deserves a pony
Dwayne Johnson is an incredible trash talker by the same logic and would own his candy ass
Stone Cold Steve Austin.
WHAT?
I had thought about some folks in that wheelhouse, too. Sometimes I really wish Macho Man Randy Savage was still around.
Mr. T
“I pity the fool who doesn’t vote for me!”
Why not go straight for the Ultimate Warrior, get him in a debate with Trump, and make the host cry?
John Browns Body.
I think we would be better off with any rotting corpse over Trump, but old John at least fought for something good once
Paul Rudd.
No one will ever be able to complain about his age since he doesn’t age and just owns a painting of himself that ages instead.
As Bobby Newport pls
Sacha Baron Cohen.
The appeal of Trump’s rhetoric and populist message is entirely subconscious, and doesn’t stand up to even a few moments of critical analysis. Baron Cohen has a genius-level understanding of how to get into people’s heads, and what’s more, he can do it fluently, on-the-fly. His U.S. presidential candidate character would totally dismantle MAGA.
Isn’t he British?
The guy seems to be able to sweet talk his way in to any room and convince people to do and say the most humiliating things on camera. If him being British become an issue I think he can just act his way out of it and somehow everyone will believe him in spite of it being a publicly known fact.
Yes, but he gets so deep into character, he could turn American!
This is fantasy, who cares. Lots of non-US-born people have been suggested and a bunch of fictional people got suggested, so whatever, you know?
I’d take Ali G Inda(White)house.
Okay okay hear me out.
Megatron.
He is a revolutionary…
The Rock. If you’re going to sink your ship at least do it with style.
He’s a Zionist so fuck him.
I think Weird Al Yankovic would be the perfect opponent. The absurdity of a political debate where Trump spouts absolute nonsense in a perfectly serious manor while Al lays serious facts in the most nonsensical form would be the show of the century and weird Al has better qualifications for the job by trumps standards having maintained cultural relevancy and financial stability for 4 decades. Plus he’s jest super likeable.
People would just point out that the whole thing is Al generated though.
If he ever makes another album, I think you just named it.
Weird Al - Al Generated
He’s also a perfect counterpoint as a healthy representative of the Christian religion. It’s the reason he doesn’t curse in his songs. He’s a good clean, Christian boy!
Would they let him respond to debate questions in song with his accordion? Dear GOD I hope so.
…with Vice President… hang on I’m having trouble reading this… Hot Saucerman? Shock Jockerman? Trick Shotterman? Yacht Rockerman? Who is this guy??
Diane Morgan
…as Philomena Cunk.
I wouldn’t have it any other way
Oh my god yes
By the standards of the American people, the candidate should be one of those blow up car dealership streamer guys and a Bluetooth speaker playing audio of hero monologues from 80’s “step dad bait” action movies.
The presidency is not one person, it’s an entire administration and general philosophy. We’re fed a lie that these debates always matter, they matter when candidates are unknown and then have a forum to stand out as leaders and educate voters about a vision for the country. That’s NOT the case here, the candidates are wholly known entities and these fucking debates absolutely do not matter.
The people in this country, in their immediate reaction to this debate, demonstrate that they just fundamentally lack the focus, empathv and frankly basic intelligence to process the substance of this or any debate. On average, we respond solely to voice pitch, tonality, body language and facial expressions, like a still developing toddler… Or a dog.
You pasted the last paragraph twice.
Fixed.
On average, we respond solely to voice pitch, tonality, body language and facial expressions
I mean, to be fair this is a human thing that is well known. It’s been known since Nixon looked like hell next to young JFK, the first ever televised debate. Nixon boned it because he was sweaty and looked like shit.
It’s been an issue of the television era ever since we began to focus on images instead of words. It’s also an issue with public speeches.
I mean for fucks sake, JFK went to Berlin and gave a speech where he said “Ich bin ein Berliner” while a Berliner is a fucking donut and despite that confusion Germans went fucking wild cheering for him.
“What did he say? I am a donut? Whatever, he’s awesome woooooooooooooo!”
Acting like it’s just American citizens is fucking dumb. It’s humans. It’s an issue with video media, period.
I think the doughnut thing is actually just some folks wanting a laugh and trying to be witty. The phrase made sense as it was intended and was taken as such (a person from Berlin), and the fact that there is coincidentally also a doughnut given that name is unlikely to have registered in anyone’s mind while present at the speech and if it did it probably wouldn’t have merited much more than a smirk since it’s not a mistake to have said that, it’s just a funny coincidence.
I’m sure there’s probably more than one pizzeria somewhere with a pizza on the menu called “New Yorker” and if someone said in a speech “I’m a New Yorker” no one’s going to pissing themselves laughing at the person for being such a baffoon to have accidentally called themselves a pizza.
Your own link says he was ok saying it as is. While Berliner is a donut it also is someone from Berlin.
