Hi everyone! I’m in my late 20s and I’ve been reminiscing on my young adult life and what I like/don’t like. One point that has been coming up for me is close, vulnerable friendships. I used to have a few friends who I was very close to a few years ago, who I could talk to about deep life stuff, big emotions, vulnerable feelings and worries, and also just enjoy time together discussing silly/serious media or the world.
I have since lost these friends, one way or another. Some simply drifted, some left in a flurry of drama and hurt feelings. I thankfully kept some friends, but a lot of them have been lost.
Despite the volatility of those friendships, there was something I was getting from them that I really needed and still need. I think that need is simply the human desire for close companionship. I have a partner, and he’s wonderful; he’s not particularly feel-y however, and my friends aren’t either. I think I need more emotionally-vulnerable people.
My question is this… How does one make these friends as an adult? In fact, how does one make any friends as an adult? I’m finding myself not knowing how to proceed and find other emotional folk. Any advice would be appreciated. <3
Everyone is already giving the generic advice of do hobbies or volunteer. This is good advice! That’s how you meet people. But the transition from “hobby” friend to “life” friend is difficult and frankly just awkward. It’s kind of like romantic relationships, there isn’t a right or wrong way. You just got to take leaps of faith and be vulnerable with people with the expectation that rejection is possible.
I’m still kind of navigating this phase. I have some good friends that I do my hobbies with, and then it’s like, how do I go from there? Really it’s just about being open and hospitable towards others. Opening your home and inviting people in, asking people if they want to come over for dinner or watch a movie with you.
FRF: food, recreation, fitness (and maybe volunteering which could in a sense be seen as recreation) will do it. I try to combine two of any of the above in a single day’s worth of proposed events, like a hike and then lunch, etc.
It’s not easy. You have to be really dedicated to keeping friendships alive by pinging every 2-3 weeks (monthly is probably just a little bit too long). Then see how often they do so with you over time, or how they attempt to carry conversations after initiation. Back away from the ones who just do not reciprocate, for one reason or another (and know that it’s not a reflection of you!). You may face many, many cancellations or outright rejections or possibly standups. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
I’m finding myself not knowing how to proceed and find other emotional folk
I think I need more emotionally-vulnerable people
some left in a flurry of drama and hurt feelings
I quoted the above because what you’re looking for isn’t something that develops quickly or easily. Emotional vulnerability typically comes through years of shared experience and built trust, and if you’re seeking people to specifically look for that, you’re liable to push people away and create a negative feedback loop. Have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist in the interim? Someone you can talk to regularly about all your emotions, and who will listen and provide feedback and reinforcement? Despite all the focus on mental health and well being these days, there can still be a very negative connotation/perception to therapy, but there really shouldn’t be! There is SO MUCH positivity that can come from regular counseling.
As others have pointed out, in the interim, the way you make friends is by going to where the people are and meeting them! Look for hobbies/group activities that you’re interested in and start going. Keep in mind that you won’t become friends with everyone you meet, and that’s okay! Some people you’ll stay in touch with a few weeks, others not at all, and some might end up as a groomsman in your wedding and one of your best friends 8 years later (speaking from personal experience). My venture out activity was rec sports.
You have some great points. I wanted to expand on the idea of speaking to a therapist and self reflection. It’s hard to make friends, and it definitely gets harder as we get older. But it’s even harder to keep friends.
Forming surface level relationships is a skill that can be learned. There are tricks and strategies that make it easier. Deep, meaningful relationships are a totally different challenge. That challenge involves understanding yourself as much if not more than the other person. It’s work, and it’s not always fun. It’s Also something that you can’t expect others to help or lead you to, so you have to be motivated to keep working through tough spots. Most people aren’t willing to admit (especially to themselves) their own flaws in a meaningful way. This is where a therapist might be able to help. It’s their job to help people through this process, even if it’s difficult. Better understanding your own role in previous relationships and how that might have contributed to their end (or not contributed to maintaining their growth) is important to avoid future relationships struggling at the same stage.
Just like romantic relationships close friendships are risky. It’s hard to not grow more jaded as you’ve been through more negative experiences. The natural tendency is to transfer distrust learned from people you’ve known in the past to people who you are getting to know. It’s a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt, but it can also make you unwilling to work around other people’s flaws or even see problems that aren’t there. That effect works both ways, not only do you have to fight your own tendency to distrust people, the person you’re getting to know will be struggling with the same distrust from their own past. Unfortunately, you can’t force anyone on a journey they are not willing to take, so finding someone who is willing to do that kind of self reflection is important. And obviously, if you aren’t familiar with and willing to pursue that process in yourself you won’t know to see it and build on it with others.
Sorry for the rant, just something I’ve observed as I age.
It has been so helpful reading everyone’s responses to this! I really appreciate how everyone has been responding with their own advice and insights! I’m going to be going through all of these and writing down main points and creating an actionable plan out of them. One main point is it sounds like I need to be really getting into hobby groups/volunteer groups; I absolutely will be doing this.
I also really appreciate people providing their own experiences with this feeling. It makes me feel as though I’m not as alone with this. Adulthood is hard! But it doesn’t have to be lonely, and that’s something I want to really work on.
Finding Lemmy has been really wonderful; it feels so much friendlier than the other place.
Thank you, everyone. <3
It can definitely be really hard. The best advice I have regarding this, is volunteering for some organization or event that interests you. I recently started volunteering at some local pride stuff and it really helped me start to meet more cool people
Get to know your neighbors. A good relationship with your neighbors is life changing. Other than that, find like minded groups on Facebook or though your local community centers.
Not an answer to your question, but earlier this week I just happened to listen to this episode of the No Stupid Questions podcast titled Is It Harder to Make Friends as an Adult?. Might be worth a listen, regardless.
If a particular friend of mine read this, she would shout, “Bumble BFF!” She’s made quite a few friends that way.
- meetup.com is a good resource for finding local groups for interests and hobbies.
- Community education classes are a good place to meet people and are open to friendships with older folks.
- Unitarian churches or Sunday Assembly are great if you’re looking for community without getting tied up in a specific religion.
- Tabletop games and arcades/pinball are reliable for meeting nerdier folks.
- Maker/hacker spaces are super fun if you have them locally.
- Libraries and cafes often have bulletin boards with advertisements for local get-togethers.
