Image Transcription: Comic

[Swords DCCXXXIX: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON, by Matthew J Wills]

Panel 1

[A sword with a brightly glowing blade. The hilt is blue and scaly, while the guard forms the shape of two yellow-eyed, green-scaled dragons consuming one another’s tails to form a circle. The pommel features a ring hole from one side to the other. At the tip of the blade are two dots and a very thin line forming a slightly smiling face.]

A SWORD THAT GLOWS BRIGHTLY WHENEVER YOU’RE HUNGRY

Panel 2

[A sword on a wavy dark blue background. The blade is large, heavy, and only sharp on one side. There is a large spike like a dorsal fin bending backwards from the blunt edge, two divets like side fins on the flat, four divets along the sharp edge, and a large crack digging into the tip, reminiscent of a toothy maw. The hilt is dark brown, seemingly bound with leather straps.]

A SWORD THAT ONLY WORKS UNDER WATER

Panel 3

[A sword with a blade enclosed in pink-and-white striped wax, like a decorative candle. The hilt is blue, with a crossguard that curls up towards the blade. At the tip of the blade, the wax is melted away, revealing a dark, sharp interior like the wick of a candle, and more reminiscent of a wooden stake than of a blade. This tip is on fire, and the fire blazes forwards to form a more conventional sword-tip shape.]

A FIRE SWORD THAT ONLY LASTS FOR A SINGLE DAY

Panel 4

[A jagged, decrepit sword, curved in multiple places. The tip curves forwards then hooks back again like the tip of a khopesh, with two distinct, sudden corners to change angle instead of a gradual curve.

Beneath the tip, the blade is partially enclosed in a wooden guard of some sort. There is a spiral marking leading into a line on the upper part of this, and the wood is unenclosed at the front until the very bottom of the blade, where it closes over and curves to a very thin point before curving back to meet the hilt.

From the spot just above the hilt, grey hair like a beard emerges from the wood. The hilt is wrapped in white strapping of some sort, and the pommel has a ring hole from one side to the other, and three spikes, one on the bottom, two on the sides.]

A SWORD THAT STEALS THE VICTIMS AGE AND ADDS IT TO THE WIELDERS

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Bruh, the first one. Then I’ll never have to second guess my stomach ever again. Plus I could finally finagle free food from folks.

Edit: Alliteration.

Does the sword make me age or live forever?

The last swords only good for killing babies and newborns

ITT - people reading the aging sword backwards

So 3 useless options or one evil but extremely useful option?

I’m taking that last sword and hitting David Attenborough until I croak.

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