I just got ghosted by the girl I was talking to, I want to find another girl to talk to. This girl and I met at the gym, but I don’t want to be the guy that goes to the gym just to meet girls. I mean sure there’s the bar and Tinder, but I want a real relationship. I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
the bird will never land on your ship if you constantly stand guard to catch it, instead improve your ship and sail into warmer waters; the bird will land while you are not looking
- CGP Grey
I have to be honest, this made my day
CGP Grey might be one of the most interesting people to ever have lived. I cannot get enough of his podcasts. I still miss Hello Internet dearly.
Til he had a podcast
He’s still in the Cortex podcast :)
Til about the Cortex podcast
Is it still a Apple podcast?
They talk about Apple products, but that’s not something I concern myself about. I just like vibing with Grey’s beautiful mind
I had absolutely no luck trying. I went on dates, swiped apps, talked to every girl I thought was cute, and none of it went anywhere beyond some weird halfhearted relationships. About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked. Six years down the line and we couldn’t be happier.
I guess my best advice is just don’t sweat it. Be yourself, do what makes you happy, put yourself in situations where you’ll meet new people, and sooner or later somebody will come along.
I think people are too quick to discount this advice but it’s honestly the best way to find a genuine life partner. Do stuff you love and if you find someone you’re interested in doing it (and they feel the same way) you have an excellent basis for a relationship.
And if that fails, if you do hobbies you love with other people, at least you’ll make new friends.
Nothing is less attractive than the stink of desperation. I said the same thing to a friend of mine. He was out of a relationship and looking for a new one. Within 6 months of not trying to find someone and just enjoying his life, there she was.
About two weeks after I gave up altogether, I met a girl on my way to the water fountain and we just clicked
I just have to say thank you for posting this, as I was just commenting earlier today how I got together with my (now) wife after giving up and focusing on myself. I really appreciate seeing that my experience isn’t a one off like I’ve been told before (which is amusing because I’ve had it happen multiple times since).
Spend your time doing what you like and talk to women you meet while doing that. It has several advantages for dating. :)
I met my current wife in the crackhouse we both frequented, it was very romantic and just like a movie.
and just like a movie.
Trainspotting, Fight Club or Requiem for a Dream?
She’s always beating the shit out of me and may not actually exist so I’ll go with Fight Club.
Maybe a relationship will just come to you and maybe it won’t. A lot of the advice you get in these kind of threads is like ‘just be yourself’ or ‘don’t be desperate’ or ‘be comfortable on your own’ or whatever. None of that ever worked for me. I was never able to just be myself or be on my own without feeling lonely and desperate and that made me seem weird and off-putting to potential partners. Honestly it took recognizing my mental issues, getting serious about finding a solution to them, and working on them for a while before I was able to act like a normal human around someone I was attracted to. In the end what worked for me was a combination of Buddhist meditation and some kind of therapy. But everyone is different. YMMV.
On the other hand maybe you are perfectly comfortable in yourself, are handsome and charming, and have no trouble talking with women, but you just met some women with issues of their own. If so, just try to get out more and meet more people. In that case it’s a numbers game and eventually you’ll find the right one.
It took me like 5 years of heavy app use to finally meet my wife. I met a few nice people in that time, but the process was honestly extremely depressing and difficult.
I hate dating app culture… but I also have some social anxiety which makes meeting anyone organically virtually impossible.
For me the apps just ain’t worth it so I got rid of them. There’s a whole sense of commodification abiut that that’s just awful and I find I’m happier without them.
That’s dating in general for most folks, apps or not. It takes a lot of time and investment and risk.
Some great advice here already! So I’m going to suggest something novel:
Consider “settling,” just a tiny bit. What I mean is, don’t be so quick to assess someone new as A Partner…potential or otherwise. Try letting gals in who are attractive enough and carry themselves well, seem sane, easy going, smart, etc. Shared values, that sort of thing. A female friend with potential, if you will. See where it goes; be open to being surprised, pleasantly or otherwise.
I’ve seen so many younger men “auditioning” mates with unrealistic expectations about “clicking” or “just knowing” — and winding up as older bachelors who have never even had a chance to practice being in a relationship.
Yes, like literally anything else worth doing/having, it takes practice!
This is good advice. The issue with modern dating is people treat other people like amazon products… they want a return/full refund over the stupidest most inconsequential shit and have ‘requirements’ that are often ridiculously rigid and superfluous. That and they want instant, zero effort gratification. During the early dates… if there is any awkwardness or imperfection… they believe this is intolerable. I’ve had dates make dinner for me and the dinner game out imperfect, but perfectly edible and good, and they harped on it so hard and broke up with me over it.
Not to mention the double standards. Sooo many people want someone who is better than them and meets standards that they don’t meet.
Hit the Lawyer, delete the Gym, Facebook up.
No wait
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Yeah, if you’re an atheist in the rural south, you’re not gonna have a good time.
Dating apps are garbage these days but I am an indoor person. Tinder can be viable for real relationships. I met my girlfriend on there and we’re a perfect match. I had in my profile that I was a gamer and played Overwatch and within 10 minutes of chatting we were playing online and in voice chat. She messaged me first. Now we’re spending most nights and weekends together. Unfortunately what I did was pay the stupid troll toll that Tinder takes to have unlimited swipes and then just swipe right on literally everyone. Women tend to be more choosy on online dating than men, and having both parties have to choose each other is just another layer of shit to get through before having a conversation. It’s shitty but that’s how modern dating apps operate. The apps of 10 years ago were so much better than this shitty instagram picture first RNG powered gacha game bullshit we have today but you can still find truly amazing relationships with them.
This book contains the latest research of what makes a man attractive to a woman:
https://annas-archive.org/md5/d7b5ceb2699ed79b4b4db586ef435eb0
It’s pretty high-level, but important knowledge nonetheless. All of it is true in my experience.
I mean, I guess it’ll come to me.
However, this is an incredibly important mindset, if it means what I think it means. You have to truly be ok with being alone for the rest of your life. Just do whatever gives you most pleasure/fulfillment and talk to girls wherever you see them incidentally. Just go about your life, put yourself in situations that you like where other people exist, and strike up conversations.
It’s completely ok to talk to someone at the supermarket, on the street, wherever. Many women fantasize about it in a romantic way. Many women obviously want to be left alone. You have to calibrate your empathy and figure out who is interested or not. But you are allowed to approach and state your interest. Just “dont be creepy”™
The gym isn’t a bad place to meet girls, but I wouldn’t cold approach them for the most part or assume any who do talk to you want a relationship.
My best advice is that if you really like the gym and fitness, take a class at the gym that is likely to have more women in it, like yoga or a dance class. Do try to pick something you actually are kind of interested learning more about, though. It’ll give you something else to focus on and take the pressure off trying to meet people. It’ll also make you look better as a potential partner if they can personally watch you working hard at learning something.
You might ask a good friend, who is married or has a GF, if his partner might have a friend who might be interested. That’s how I met my wife. Bonus is we were able to talk at a bbq at the friend’s place.
The bar and Tinder are not the exclusive domain of hookups. I met my partner of 5 years on bumble, my friend met his wife on Tinder.
I think the advice others are giving is true to some extent, work on yourself and good things will come, but for most people you also have to go the extra mile and put yourself out there.
Put yourself on the apps. Go to clubs, leagues, meetups, socials, events, parties etc. In general, say yes instead of no and talk to people instead of not. If something starts to develop you can give out those vibes that you’re looking for something more serious, and people will self-select.
Like others said, focus on living your life and be social. It is likely to happen organically. Focus on social things where you are bound to meet people either way. Do not pressure yourself or it will take away from the fun aspects of the hobby/sport/events.
And for god’s sake, do not use online dating sites/apps. They are bad in so many different ways. The endless dating is tiring and can twist your perception of dating and people in general, especially if you run into bad luck. Albeit this did not happen to me, I had friends from both sexes that hated how people got turned into commodities, and treated others like things to be discarded. A couple to girls I knew were on dates on a weekly or biweekly basis and it really warped their perception of men in general because they tended to picked incorrectly or got tired of the repetitive cycle akin to job interviews for all parties they ended up pausing all dating for ages. As it took the fun out of it. Online dating these days is more for hooking up and bad experiences. Despite that I am sure that many people have met significant others online, dating online is not like 10 years ago.
