So I met this girl by chance and we really hit it off, once I learned of her age I decided to just be friends as I think that 19 to 25 is an age were we mature a lot and I remember myself as a 19yo and I was not mature enough to be a good partner and to be good to myself.
I talked to a female friend of mine and she said that I’m over thinking it and that I should ask her out and be open minded, and so I did and we are going on a date soon.
The thing is, she seems really mature but I can’t put aside the age gap.
Am I over thinking it? Should I really just take it slow and just be vigilant about the situation and notice if this isn’t healthy for me or her?
Or should I let her down easy and continue as friends?
Update: We went on a date and it was great, I read all of the comments and there were some really good advices that I took to heart. I will take things slow and try to be as aware of the situation as possible. I hope it will go well :)
Thank you everyone!
Sometimes I remember my parents have a 18 years age gap, and I can’t quite wrap my head around this.
I agree with your friend, I think that you’re overthinking. As long as both are adults and willing, I don’t see anything wrong.
Lack of maturity can be a problem in the long run but it’s a problem that goes away over time, plus it is not some unsurmountable barrier.
From a viewpoint of a 40+ you are practically the same age.
I’m 8 years older than my wife. We’ve been together over 11 years. When we first got together, she was 21 and I was 29. Now I’m 40 and she’s 32.
As long as you’re both consenting adults, there’s no power disparity, you have commonalities, and you’re both at the same stage in life, age is meaningless.
I’m not sure that we are at the same stage in life but we should be in about 1-2 years
It may be a better question to ask if you’re immature enough to date her. A relationship doesn’t rise to the level of the more mature person, it sinks to the level of the less. Do you consider yourself mature? If yes, you should move along. Are you a little behind your peers? This might be great for both of you! The amount of life experience and growing up is so great during 19 to 25 is so much per year that for this relationship to really serve you you probably need to be meeting in the middle. The idea that she should have to be making the sacrifices of a relationship you have in your late 20s isn’t really fair to her.
Unless she’s had some very difficult life experiences, she’s probably not ready to forgo the types of relationships you have at 19, 20, 21 and she may really regret giving them up later. Maybe you didn’t have those relationships which is why you’re pursuing them now? If so, it may be a good fit!
If your life experiences up until now are similar (dating experience, financial experience, independence, working experience) then this relationship is more likely to avoid a power imbalance, but because she’s so young, the most likely way for these to be true is if you’re behind. It’s unlikely she’s going to have years of living independently while working to support herself under her belt, or several long term relationships.
A date or three to learn all this about her isn’t going to hurt! Have fun! But if you learn she’s inexperienced compared to you in most things, it doesn’t matter how mature she is, it’s unfair to her to put her in a power dynamic where she has to advocate for her needs with less life experience than you in so many categories.
This is a harsh one since from what you are saying I should probably move on. Honestly I’m still very much on the fence right now.
Thank you for the input!
I’m turning 31 this year, and my girlfriend is 25.
We’ve been together six years now. I didn’t realize she was still 18 until the end of our first date, and she caught that I was visibly startled by it.
I owned up that I didnt realize and assumed from our interactions that she was at least 20-22 and she laughed and apologized, saying she thought I knew her age.
After going home and thinking about how well we hit it off, and how she found my concern amusing, I decided I was being silly and that if the age gap was a problem it would make itself evident.
Best decision ever. Nothing wrong with paying attention to those things, just keep open communication with each other 👍
I’ll also note that I had skipped college and had been working, and was about to go back to school. She was about to start her second year in college.
There are multiple ways people can find themselves on the same path and there was some serendipity for sure.
To the point of many other people here, yes, over the next five years she is going to evolve more than you as a person. So just understand going that growing apart is more likely than if you were both in your 30’s.
Nothing wrong with that, just a reality to acknowledge.
Did you ever get your degree, Mr Poopybutthole?
Thanks!
Check to see if there is a power differential here.
Are you an established adult with a Real Job and a nice apartment while she is struggling to figure out how to get out from under the thumb of her controlling family? Or is she happily making her own way in the world as a small farmer or boat salesperson or something while you have been futzing around painting skateboards and playing in a minor punk band?
Older people dating younger people can be wrong because it is easy for the older person to have too much power in the relationship. If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.
If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.
There’s a sex joke in there, but the conversation it to mature for me to make it.
Wtfh why do you pretend like people can’t be nice if there is a power differential? A couple with a moderate power differential like you describe is only a problem if the powerful one decides to be a dick about it; it’s literally fine as long as they are a nice person and can commit to not taking advantage.
Yeah, probably more of a ‘proceed with caution’ rather than a flat no.
Plus in any relationship there are wants and needs being met by the relationship that would be withdrawn if the relationship were to end. Mutual benefit is why you get into a long term relationship in the first place.
I guess there is some of that but I think that if I take it slow and let her be her own person outside the relationship (as we all should) it should be less of an issue
The fact that you are talking about "letting"her be her own person outside the relationship sort of implies that she might not have already figured out how to do that on her own.
People are right to wave red flags here, but are also right that it isn’t necessarily the age that is the potential problem.
Make sure she knows how to be an independent adult with her own career, hobbies, and motivations, or you get into unpredictable territory.
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You’re 100% overthinking it. If you like her and she’s into the idea, date her - more to the point, get to know her in that context.
If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But I mean, I’ve been with my partner for 14 years (married for 8 of them) with a 7 year age gap, meeting at the opposite end of our 20s. Sometimes it works.
Like pretty much everyone else said, your relative positions in life matter. A 25 year old who’s already on their second job and making $125k/year should almost certainly not be dating someone who lives with their parents and is about to start their second semester of college.
Also like many people alluded to, the age gap matters less when you’re older. There’s not a lot of difference between a 35 year old and 30 year old, but there’s a huge difference between a 10 year old and 5 year old.
I guess our situation is similar to what you describe in the first paragraph.
People can be pretty immature at 40 also.
And not every relationship has to be the last one. You learn from every relationship.
Thank you!
This is something that I still struggle with but I’m coming to terms with the fact that you just can’t magically land on the perfect person for you and that means that most of your relationships will break before you find someone to really go the distance with.
I mean, does the girl know what she wants and can she fend for herself in a romantic relationship? If so, then no, what are you worried about? The legal age is 18 in this country and if my nieces and their friends are any indication, women are maturing much faster than they used to and they matured faster than boys since almost always.
A more stringent test though is, are you taking advantage of her immaturity? As some others said, only you can answer those questions. But don’t base it on how mature YOU were at 19, that’s apples to oranges my friend.
it’s fine, that gap isn’t bad at that age. 22 and 16 would be a different story…
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You might be missing some critical information…
I know, give us some hair colors…
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Half your age, plus seven. If you’re 25 that’s 12.5+7=19.5. You’re good to go.
