My hamster is a fucking primadonna hipster who works out 8 hours a day.

“Pellets…? Really…? Don’t you know they’re full of carbs…OH!! Fruit snacks!! I need energy!!”

“Carrots and dill treat? No thanks. I only eat the cranberry ones.” *Drags treat over to his pooping corner and leaves it there.

Me: “Did you just flush that treat down the toilet…?”

At 1:30 AM “I’m going to the gym!” *Pushes hamster wheel up against the side of his cage for maximum banging and clattering noises, then proceeds to go on a brisk run for 2 hours.

When I’m feeding him. “You may pick me up and pet me human, I consent. I like warm hands.”

When I need to clean his cage. “Bad touch, bad touch! I do not consent! I will bite you!”